Happily Ever After

 

 When I was a little girl I had the same fairy tale vision of my marriage that a great many other little girls have; a handsome young man would fall deeply in love with me and woo me with his outpouring of lovely sentiments, generous gifts, and selfless acts of love. He would then vow his undying love for me in the wedding of my dreams and from that moment on he would happily and willingly do my every bidding because he loved me so much. Imagine my shock when I married my husband and over the first few months this vision of my "Happily Ever After" began quickly unraveling!
As a married woman living in the real world I recognized very early on that this vision was absolutely not going to play out the way I always thought it would and I felt like I got ripped off! My husband was selfish and not at all interested in doing my every bidding. He was a pig who was grouchy and only concerned about what he wanted and in getting me to do whatever it was he wanted me to do! At least that was my perception as a young 19 year-old bride.
It took me several years and lots of soul-searching to understand that we each have a responsibility to our spouse and their needs in order to have a strong relationship. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Jon M. Gottman says, “[Romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” (p.88) The truth is that we have to deliberately turn toward one another every day if we are to be happily connected by doing the seemingly insignificant things that over time add up to mean so much. Gottman refers to the “bids” spouses make for each others attention and says that the way each partner responds to those bids is either a turning away or turning toward their spouse. (p. 88)
I found this quote by Fawn Weaver. She says, "Happily Ever After is not a fairy tale. It is a choice." I know I have to work on my marriage to have a happy, successful relationship.
My husband likes to have a delicious homemade dinner each night when he comes home from work. I couldn’t care less about homemade dinners but I learned to cook dinner every night for him because it matters to him. I have also realized cooking his dinner allows me to do what I like. I like to spend time together with my husband. As we eat dinner we talk about our day. He would probably prefer to go without rehashing our days every night but for me, having his undivided attention lets me know that I matter to him. When he will take a few minutes each night to sit with me and talk over our days, I feel closer to him and it helps me to process my day. Having dinner together is a small something we do each day that matters to both of us. I have realized we choose daily whether to pursue our "Happily Ever After" by choosing to put our spouse and our marriage first.
As our children have grown and our alone time together has increased, we have begun doing more of the little things together. We run errands, clean the house, do yard work, and play games or watch movies together. I have noticed an increase in fondness and admiration as we have turned toward one another in these seemingly small ways. Our relationships has intensified and strengthened and we feel more connected to one another. He reaches out to me more often for love, guidance, reassurance, and support and I do the same in return because we know that the other person will be there for us. I am excited to explore the next phase of our relationship as we are preparing to become “empty nesters” and it is because of the small and simple acts of love and turning towards each other that we are deepening our love and strengthening our marriage. My marriage may have started out with distress and grief over the realities of our relationship but at this stage in our marriage I have every reason to believe that we are well on our way to our "Happily Ever After".

Our Wedding Day September 1994

Our 21st Wedding Anniversary 2015