Charity in Marriage

As I finished H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, I contemplated how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life and to understand more fully the sacred nature of marriage. Goddard reminded me that I made covenants with my Father to love, honor, and cherish my spouse and to see him through His eyes. Charity is the all-encompassing principle upon which our eternal salvation is predicated. Marriage is hard but as we strive to love Christ, receive love from Christ, and love like Christ, we can learn to be charitable and to strengthen our marriage and become better spouses.

I watched my parents’ marriage begin to deteriorate after they had been married for 15 years. My dad had to have two open heart surgeries that year and the reality of the financial, emotional, and physical strains these surgeries put upon their shoulders began to heavily tax their relationship. They fought more at first which eventually led them to almost never talking or engaging with one another. My dad needed his wife and her support more than ever before and my mom needed her husband and his support more than ever before and what they ended up with instead was the least amount of support they had ever gotten from their spouses. Each of them turned inward and began to self-protect. Life at home got uneasy and complicated. They both made choices that made the gap between them grow wider. 

Because of these choices, after the surgeries and healing were complete, there was a significant amount of residual damage done. My dad tried to undo the hurt and anger and made several repair attempts. My mom remained guarded and resisted his attempts. Their marriage never recovered from this stressful year. They remained married for 39 years until my dad’s death in 2013 and he never gave up on his marriage or trying to build a happier relationship with my mom.

As an outside observer I did not understand why my dad would stay in a loveless marriage and subject himself to her angry, hurtful, and selfish behaviors. I thought he was ridiculous to remain cheerfully committed to someone who so obviously took him for granted and did not want to love him or make any attempt to mend their fractured marriage. However, as I have read Goddard’s book I have been given some valuable insight into my father’s charitable heart.

Goddard says, “Charity sustains us in every need and influences us in every decision.” (pg. 118) I realized that my dad had charity in his heart and had turned his marriage over to the Savior. He had also called upon the Atonement to heal his aching heart and trusted in Christ and the covenants he had made to Him to make his marriage whole again someday. My dad was a flawed man who knew that with Jesus Christ, all would be made right again. My father understood what I did not understand at the time; his responsibility was to stay and do his best to honor his covenants and to love his wife, regardless of her choices. He had achieved the mighty change of heart and charity that is required of all of us. Goddard points out that, “We are to cheerfully do all that we are able to do. Then we ask God to make up the difference…” (pg. 147, 148)

I used to pity my dad and feel that his refusal to divorce my mom was a sign of weakness. I love my dad but I always considered him spineless. I am humbled and in awe of my father now because of what I have learned. I know that I can take this knowledge and apply it to my own marriage and strive to become a more selfless, kind, submissive, loving, and thoughtful wife. I can strive to learn charity and to turn my heart and my marriage over to Christ to make of them what only He can.