"You're a Mean Mom"

I love the analogy Richard Miller gave in his article, “Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families”, which is about parents being the executive committee and board of directors of the family. Miller talks about the hierarchy of the family and how parents should lead and their children should follow. It is important that we be willing to set the guidelines and boundaries of the family and set forth the expectations for our children. It is also important that we are willing and able to follow through with them when they violate these boundaries. Being an example by adhering to these boundaries and expectations ourselves is also important.

One of my favorite quotes from Miller’s article is this; “God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286). In my observation and opinion parents refusing to hold their kids accountable for wrong-doing has become an epidemic in parenting that has caused widespread damage. Children nowadays are allowed to do whatever they please and are not being held accountable by their parents for bad decisions or behavior. This form of parenting has not done society any favors. Kids think they run the world and no one can tell them what to do.

As a mom of two nearly grown, adult children, I have spent the past 22 years teaching my children to respect the created boundaries, rules, and expectations and holding them accountable for violating these. It is not fun to be the parent sometimes and discipline is a difficult aspect of motherhood. No one wants to be disliked. But as parents it is our job to teach and guide our kids and many times that guidance requires us to be unpopular with our children. I’d rather be unpopular with my children than stand before the Lord someday and be accountable to Him for neglecting to teach my children what is right and wrong.

Very early on I recognized that when my children were mad at me or upset with me for inflicting consequences of their bad choices on them, I was most likely doing a good job as a mother. Eventually I began adopting a phrase that served me well as a mother. Whenever my kids would lash out at me in anger or frustration and tell me I was a “mean mom” and/or that they hated me, I would say, “Good! I am doing my best to be a mean mom. If you are mad at me then I guess I must be doing something right.” My philosophy when it comes to having a relationship with my kids has always been that my kids can make and have all the friends they want to in this life but they have only been given one mother. If I don’t take my role as their mother seriously then they are in big trouble!!

Now as we approach the season in life where my kids are grown, I am reaping the benefits of those rules and boundaries and the hard lessons we have had to learn together. Both of my children have thanked me for being strict and for holding them accountable to obey. I am discovering a friendship with my children now as we enter a new phase of parenting and I am thankful that my kids are good people who care about the Lord and who want to be productive members of society and are striving to become a “mean mom” and a “mean dad” themselves someday.